Love, Actually

I had the wonderful opportunity to spend this past Saturday afternoon with four of my favorite people in the world—my big sisters. We had a wonderful day of caring and sharing over brunch, despite the fact that a few of my breakfast potatoes were undercooked and I forgot to buy hot sauce (Sorry, Wanda!). The gem of the day for me was our RICH discussion about love and relationships.

I realized that I have been TERRIFIED about relationships because I have been viewing them through the lenses of way too many romantic comedies, my inability to let my guard down, and my fears about divorce and infidelity (Thanks, Tiger!). I’ve also recognized that I have been tightly attached to my own Cinderella fantasies about when, where, and how I will meet my Prince Charming. My current fantasy of choice is to meet a well-dressed, well-educated Black man at my local Barnes & Noble on a spring afternoon in the African American Studies aisle. We will instantly bond over our love of Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, and our disdain for people who don’t know how to use the English language properly. Pretty outrageous, eh? But I have shut down MANY a guy for not meeting up to these and other impossible ideals that I have held about love. I’m grateful to my sisters for helping me to open up my eyes to how I have been dealing with men.

I almost died when my sister Wanda said, “Leah, you can’t expect to look at a guy across the way at a restaurant and say ‘Oh, I just love the way that he cuts his steak’ and expect to fall instantly in love with him.” She totally blew my Barnes & Noble fantasy to pieces. I began to see during our discussion that great love takes time to develop and LOTS of work to sustain. It doesn’t just magically spawn and develop overnight. Love isn’t just flowers, cards, and candy; it’s also arguments, compromise, tears, and frustration. Love isn’t just what happens at the end of a Julia Roberts movie. Love is hanging in there during cancer, the loss of a child, unemployment, and disappointment. If a person is the ONE or the one for this season in your life, love isn’t really love until you experience ALL parts of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. This realization helped me see that it was time to get off the relationship bench of fear and get into the game of love.

And of course, no relationship discussion is complete without the topic du jour -- the ill-fated Tiger Woods. Being a relationship novice, I CANNOT wrap my head around why in the hell he decided to cheat on his wife with 10 different women.* However, my sister Diane made a good point when she explained that no one goes into a relationship or marriage thinking that he or she will cheat on their spouse or expecting other life-altering relationship challenges. It is up to each person to keep the relationship going strong, make each day fresh, and stay committed to the union when life shows up and turns your world upside down.

So, at almost 3:00 a.m. on a school night, I now see that love is actually more than my bookstore fantasy. Love is about letting go of my impossible yardstick for perfection and being willing to allow men to come into my life and be who they are, without me judging their ability to use the King’s English perfectly. Love is about being willing to let my heart get scratched and cracked (just a little bit!). Love isn’t just about looking for a core shaker; love is about discovering that great lover and friend who will be with you when life shakes you to the core.

*This number of women identified as former mistresses of Tiger Woods is based on Google News reports as of 2:35 a.m. This blogger is not responsible for any additional waitresses, hotel attendants, or pole dancers who come forth after this blog entry is published.