NOW…Another Chapter

There was hardly a day that went by in my home without my siblings and I hearing my father, the late, great Howard Lakins, Sr., say “NOW….another chapter.” When I was younger, I thought that he just said this phrase a lot so that he could test the volume on his hearing aids. Now, as an adult I realize that he repeated this mantra often to remind himself and those around him to let go of the past and keep moving forward.

As a chronic overthinker and a recovering perfectionist, Lord knows I get caught up on some chapters in my life that God has closed the book on a LONG time ago. I tend to get especially nitpicky about past chapters of my life at the end of the year. I start thinking about all the things I haven’t accomplished, all the chances I should have taken, and all the things I should have said. I get so mired in critiquing and re-editing the previous year’s chapters that I forget that there are new chapters and new books that are yet to be written. Before I know it, my mind is swimming in doubt, regret, and fear. But, just before I completely lose myself in the process over critiquing myself, God reminds me to take a deep breath, and in that moment I can hear my Daddy saying, “NOW…another chapter.”

Friends, we can choose to flip to the next chapter of our lives at any moment. We don’t have to keep reliving a bad relationship, a boss from hell, or those days when life didn’t go our way. Yes, there are some things that we coulda, shoulda, and woulda done better, but it’s time for us to move on. What good is it for us to get stuck on Chapter 9 from 1972 when God is trying to move our lives into a brand new book or even a brand new library? How long will we keep a bookmark on that dark page that God’s grace and forgiveness has already covered? NOW is the time for another chapter.

One of my absolute favorite passages of scripture is Philippians 3: 13-14, which states,

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do,
forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

I just LOVE this scripture because it reminds me to shut the book on yesterday’s chapter and keep pressing towards those greater goals and dreams that God has for me.

As we come to the end of another year, set aside some time during this holiday season to take a reflective and constructive look inside your book for 2009. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, celebrate your victories, and think about alternatives for cussing out fewer people out in 2010 or whatever gnarly habits you need to break in the New Year. But, remember as you go through your book don’t get hung up on your chapters. This chapter called 2009 will be over before we know it. NOW is the only moment we have to do better, be better, and love better. NOW is the only chance we have to co-create our lives with our ULTIMATE creator. NOW is the only time that matters. NOW is the time…for another chapter!

May your holidays be filled with pages of love, laughter, friends, family, good food, good conversation, and more joy than your heart can contain.

Love, Actually

I had the wonderful opportunity to spend this past Saturday afternoon with four of my favorite people in the world—my big sisters. We had a wonderful day of caring and sharing over brunch, despite the fact that a few of my breakfast potatoes were undercooked and I forgot to buy hot sauce (Sorry, Wanda!). The gem of the day for me was our RICH discussion about love and relationships.

I realized that I have been TERRIFIED about relationships because I have been viewing them through the lenses of way too many romantic comedies, my inability to let my guard down, and my fears about divorce and infidelity (Thanks, Tiger!). I’ve also recognized that I have been tightly attached to my own Cinderella fantasies about when, where, and how I will meet my Prince Charming. My current fantasy of choice is to meet a well-dressed, well-educated Black man at my local Barnes & Noble on a spring afternoon in the African American Studies aisle. We will instantly bond over our love of Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, and our disdain for people who don’t know how to use the English language properly. Pretty outrageous, eh? But I have shut down MANY a guy for not meeting up to these and other impossible ideals that I have held about love. I’m grateful to my sisters for helping me to open up my eyes to how I have been dealing with men.

I almost died when my sister Wanda said, “Leah, you can’t expect to look at a guy across the way at a restaurant and say ‘Oh, I just love the way that he cuts his steak’ and expect to fall instantly in love with him.” She totally blew my Barnes & Noble fantasy to pieces. I began to see during our discussion that great love takes time to develop and LOTS of work to sustain. It doesn’t just magically spawn and develop overnight. Love isn’t just flowers, cards, and candy; it’s also arguments, compromise, tears, and frustration. Love isn’t just what happens at the end of a Julia Roberts movie. Love is hanging in there during cancer, the loss of a child, unemployment, and disappointment. If a person is the ONE or the one for this season in your life, love isn’t really love until you experience ALL parts of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. This realization helped me see that it was time to get off the relationship bench of fear and get into the game of love.

And of course, no relationship discussion is complete without the topic du jour -- the ill-fated Tiger Woods. Being a relationship novice, I CANNOT wrap my head around why in the hell he decided to cheat on his wife with 10 different women.* However, my sister Diane made a good point when she explained that no one goes into a relationship or marriage thinking that he or she will cheat on their spouse or expecting other life-altering relationship challenges. It is up to each person to keep the relationship going strong, make each day fresh, and stay committed to the union when life shows up and turns your world upside down.

So, at almost 3:00 a.m. on a school night, I now see that love is actually more than my bookstore fantasy. Love is about letting go of my impossible yardstick for perfection and being willing to allow men to come into my life and be who they are, without me judging their ability to use the King’s English perfectly. Love is about being willing to let my heart get scratched and cracked (just a little bit!). Love isn’t just about looking for a core shaker; love is about discovering that great lover and friend who will be with you when life shakes you to the core.

*This number of women identified as former mistresses of Tiger Woods is based on Google News reports as of 2:35 a.m. This blogger is not responsible for any additional waitresses, hotel attendants, or pole dancers who come forth after this blog entry is published.